Thursday, April 5, 2012

The Morning Report 3: Aladdin

"You gotta problem, Pinky?!"

Background: Aladdin (1992)
Directed by: Ron Clements, John Musker
Produced by: Ron Clements, John Musker
Written by: Ron Clements, John Musker, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio
Music by: Alan Menken
Starring: Scott Weinger, Linda Larkin, Robin Williams, Gilbert Gottfried, Jonathan Freeman, Frank Welker, Douglas Seale

Swoonworthiness: Aladdin - 8.5

Aww Yeeeah, Dem Pecs.
While watching the movie, we realized that Aladdin is totally up there on our list of steamy Disney princes. We love his dark hair, his charisma, and especially his adorable crooked smile. Oh yeah, and his hot bod.  He stands up for what he believes in and follows through with promises, who could say no?  

Boxed Lunch: Jasmine - 9.5

Princess Jasmine is pretty much the ULTIMATE "Boxed Lunch".  I mean, just look at that red outfit! She's constantly slinking around knowing she looks hot even though she claims she's "not a prize to be won!"  And as much as we rag on her, we have to admit that she's pretty damn sexy and we only wish we had bodies like hers!

Bitch Factor: Jasmine - 9

Let's cut to the chase, Jasmine is a total and complete bitch. Everyone knows it, we just said it. Every scene with her in it pretty much ends with her frowning and storming out in some fashion.  Fine, being forced to marry might suck, but it's not like she's ever going to have to work for a living or go hungry. She needs to stop her whining and get back in her menagerie with her pet tiger and jewels.  Puh-lease, Jasmine, we do not feel sorry for you.  Besides, if it hadn't have been for Aladdin, your hand would have been cut off because you don't understand the concept of working hard and paying for things so how do you like DEM APPLES?

Kickass Factor: Jasmine - 8

We have to admit that even though we think Jasmine is a whiny ho, she is pretty kick ass compared to most of the Disney princesses. Our biggest factor in this rating though was her taking one for the team and seducing Jafar to distract him from Aladdin. Especially after he says, "Go on, pussycat."  If that were us, we would have died on the spot from disgust and self-loathing.  It makes us cringe to even write the words "seducing Jafar". It takes a lot of balls to think of a doing what she did and to swallow your pride (and we all know she's got tons of that) to protect your boyfriend.

True Loves First Kiss: Aladdin and Jasmine - 8

Most Disney kisses are pretty chaste but not Aladdin and Jasmine's! Their first kiss is definitely intense and we know there's tongue.  It also lingers just a few seconds too long to be just a "goodnight kiss".  We remember watching their kiss as little kids and knowing it was sultry even at that age!

Villains: Jafar - 8

Soooo... Jafar is completely insane.  We mean really mentally unstable.  Once he realizes that Abubu = Aladdin and that Aladdin has the lamp, Jafar is pretty much on a downward spiral for the rest of the movie.   He definitely has delusions of grandeur and his greed is insatiable.  Not just that but he's a woman beater too!  Domestic abuse is no laughing matter.  And he's incredibly perverted to boot.  You can see it in his eyes whenever he leers at Jasmine - He's thinking dirty thoughts for sure!  Coming from us who have a pug that gets a boner when he poops, we KNOW perverted. 

Animal Friends: Raja, Iago, Abu - 7

Rajah - 7 

Princess Glitter has a major weakness for big cat characters (see: Mufasa, Simba, Bagheera, etc), so by default we had to rate Rajah a bit higher.  Not to mention that he's sweet and loyal to Jasmine, regardless of the fact that she's a money-grubbing whore. Can you imagine her being your owner and you have to listen to her wallow all day, every day?  No thanks. We also love the way Rajah helps Jasmine over the wall with tears in his eyes.  Such a sweet moment!  And don't forget how he ripped off Prince Achmed's pants - we lol'd at that.  

Iago - 8 

We think Iago is by far the best animal character in the film.  All the best quotes come from him and we think he's totally hilarious!  Everything about him is funny - Gilbert Gottfried's parrot voice, his mannerisms, and the snarky comments he makes.  We wish Iago was our gay best friend!

Abu - 2 

We know that Abu is supposed to be the main animal friend in the movie because he's Aladdin's BFF, but we just don't like him. He's supremely gross looking and pouts the entire movie. We get tired of his ugly mannerisms and stupid faces.  He does gets a few points for being loyal and rescuing Aladdin, but those are all lost when he touches the forbidden treasure and destroys the cave of wonders.  Good job, Abu.  

Awful Appendages: The Genie and Jafar - 7.5

The pictures speak for themselves.  Genie's stubby, wriggling fingers and Jafar's bony and abnormally long ones will give us nightmares for a couple weeks. *shudders*

Story: 7

The story of Aladdin was originally from the story Arabian Nights. Disney has obviously changed the story from its original form, and the finalized script has the Disney Bitches Stamp of Approval.   Solid plot, strong character development, and a happy ending all make Aladdin a well-paced movie and 90's era classic.  

Songs/Music: 8.5

Any Disney fan knows that the holy grail of Disney movie scores usually consists of music from Tim Rice, Alan Menken and/or Howard Ashman. Aladdin has pieces from all three and it shows. When you hear the first few beats of any of the songs you immediately want to start singing along (that's our reaction anyway). We think this is undeniable proof that a movie has a great soundtrack. We also have to shout out Lea Salonga as Jasmine's singing voice because we like her a lot.

Animation/Cinematography: 7

Look at that castle and tell us you wouldn't want to live in it.  Duh, of course you do because it's seriously awesome.  The animation in Aladdin is known for it's soft lines (every line in the movie was doubled over and filled in - talk about a lot of work!) and it's cool and warm color scheme.  It has a very distinct look that we know and appreciate.  Even so, sometimes the scenes are a bit sparse or simplistic and we feel that there isn't as much detail in this film as there is in some other Disney movies.

Casting/Voice Acting: 9

Aladdin is definitely one of our top favorites as far as voice casting. We think the choice of Gilbert Gottfried as Iago is one of the best casting in any Disney movie. All the characters have voices that match their characters personality. Scott Weinger from full house fits Aladdin's fun, confident yet vulnerable personality. There's something about his voice that just makes Aladdin cuter.  

Notable Scenes: 7.5

Probably the most popular and notable scene from Aladdin is the flying carpet sequence from "A Whole New World".  Soaring around the world on a magic flying carpet is for sure the best first date ever.

Are You Afraid of the Dark: 6.5

We've established that Jafar is crazy. And when you have a truly unstable, basket-case villain you're pretty much guaranteed some scary scenes. Being certifiably insane is frightening enough, but watch out for when he morphs into a giant cobra!  Now that's some scary shit (especially combined with the fact that the last half of the movie is almost entirely in red tones because Jafar is intense and evil).   

Quotable Quotes: 9

With a cast including Gilbert Gottfried and Robin Williams, Aladdin without a doubt has some of the most quotable quotes of any disney movie.  There are so many funny one-liners and conversations that are just fun to repeat over and over again.  "You gotta problem, Pinky?!" is definitely one of our favorites (though there are many others).  We've been busting that one out for months and it still makes us laugh every time. Never gets old!


Aladdin came out in that special 1990's magical era of  Disney movies. Those were the ones that we grew up with and watched repeatedly. Because of that, it's more special to us than some other Disney movies that we may have only seen a handful of times. So we may be a bit biased (hey, we're bitches) but we get a happy feeling inside when we watch Aladdin because it brings us back to our childhood. It evokes happy memories, we get excited about the songs and can quote the entire movie beginning to end.  Disney Magic?  Yes. 

P.S. Hummus, not homeless.

No comments:

Post a Comment