Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Disney Bracket 1: Animals

Setting: In a fight to the death, which disney animal friend reigns supreme?? Will your favorite make the cut?  Everything goes, no holds barred!  (No substitutions, exchanges or refunds). GO!

Notice: The participants in this death match, as well as the order in which they fight, were figured by a completely random process (meaning we just started rattling off names until we had 16 of them).

Flit vs. Lucifer
Hummingbird vs. cat.  Seems like an easy win? WRONG! Flit is ruthless and cunning plus he has the advantage of speed and flight.  Not to mention his razor sharp beak! Lucifer never stood a chance.

Bruno vs. Meeko 
Think Bruno is just an ordinary farm dog? WRONG AGAIN!  He's a savage BEAST with sharp, cruel fangs.  Remember when he lost his shit at Lucifer?  Now imagine sweet little Meeko stealing his bone.  SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Gus vs. Maximus
Insane, steroid ridden horse armed with a dagger.  It was nice knowin' you, Gus.  Looks like Cinderella's gonna have more to clean off the floor than just dirt and paw prints.

Pascal vs. Sir Hiss
What's the benefit of being a chameleon?  HAVING CLAWS.  Thought we were going to say camouflage? NO.  With Mother Gothel on his kill sheet already, the drunken Sir Hiss was dead before it even began.

Timon vs. Pumbaa
"BFF's forever!" thought Timon.  NOT.  Fatal mistake number one: thinking a meerkat and a warthog could ever be more than waterhole neighbors.  Fatal mistake number two?  Calling Pumbaa a pig.  Oops!  Looks like the tables are turned Timon, you're about to be trampled by MISTER Pig.

Nana vs. Dinah 
Maybe you can't imagine this sweet nursery dog taking out a defenseless, tiny kitten, but we've seen this dog lose her cool before.  You mess with her pups and GAME ON.  Nana might be timid on the outside but inside she's a hardcore GANGSTA that's fiercely protective of her fam.  Guess it's time for Alice to head to her local animal shelter because she's going to need a new kitten.

Marie vs. Nemo
This match might seem a little unfair - a cat vs a fish with a gimp fin - but you know what?  LIFE ISN'T FAIR.  So sorry, Nemo.  Might want to take a visit to Mt. Wannahockaloogie and confess your sins because your days are about to come to an end.

Sgt. Tibbs vs. Philippe
Poor Sgt. Tibbs might have saved 101 Dalmations in his time, but his stealth and loyalty won't get him far in this match.  Have you seen Philippe?  That horse has got HOOVES.  And large ones.  All it takes is one swift kick and it's "bye bye" Sgt. Tibbs.  It's a sad story.  Really.

Flit vs. Bruno
It might have been a shoe-in for Flit before but let me tell you, Flit is tired and Bruno is MEAN.  With his adrenalin pumping after making Racoon Jerky outta Meeko, Bruno is ready for anything.  BRING IT, FLIT.  Bruno is about to have himself a Flit-Kebab.

Maximus vs. Pascal
Pascal is here to win it but unfortunately for him, Maximus is an ABSOLUTE LUNATIC.  Go ahead and try to blend into your surroundings, Pascal.  It's not going to be enough to out-wit this Crazy Horse.  He's got a knife and you're about to get CUT.

Pumbaa vs. Nana
Pumbaa's rage has dissipated and the full realization that he's just trampled his best friend has sunk in.  It's a sad moment for Pumbaa but the perfect opportunity for Nurse Maid Nana.  Look away, children, look away.

Marie vs. Philippe
Goodbye, Marie.

Bruno vs. Maximus
Bruno's made it to the final four but there comes a point in every dogs life when you just have to face reality. And looking into Maximus's twitching eyes Bruno knows his time has come to an end.  Like a boss, Bruno.

Nana vs. Philippe
Nana's had it relatively easy up until this point but she's rollin' with the big dogs now.  Philippe is merciless and DEM HOOVES are no match for a bonnet and a bottle.

So it all comes down to HORSE VS. HORSE. Philippe has strength on his side but Maximus has pure, unadulterated MADNESS.  Hoof against knife, with Maximus teetering on the edge of insanity, sadly this is Philippe's final stand.  MAXIMUS REIGNS SUPREME.


1 comment:

  1. My favorite:

    "Pumbaa's rage has dissipated and the full realization that he's just trampled his best friend has sunk in. It's a sad moment for Pumbaa but the perfect opportunity for Nurse Maid Nana. Look away, children, look away."

    Lmao, that made me laugh xD