The Morning Report 5: Beauty and the Beast

"It's forbidden!"

Background: 

Directed by: Gary Trousdale, Kirk Wise
Produced by: Howard Ashman, Don Hahn, John Lasseter, Sarah McArthur
Written by: Linda Woolverton, Roger Allers
Music by: Alan Menken
Starring: Paige O'Hara, Robby Benson, Richard White, Angela Lansbury, David Ogden Stiers, Jerry Orbach

Swoonworthiness: 


Beast - 2

The Beast gets a 2 because while we think he's cute when he's being nice and funny with all his angsty moments, he clearly has some anger management issues and could probably benefit from some good psycho-therapy. What princess wants a prince who's gonna lash out at her just because she didn't want to do dinner?  I mean, locking Belle in her room to starve isn't exactly healthy relationship behavior.  "If she doesn't eat with me, then she doesn't eat AT ALL."  Nice one, Beast.  Do you remember when he lost his shit because she was in the West Wing?  We do! His pent up teenage angst is revealed when he yells at Belle to "GET OOOOOOOUUT"  the same way a sister would yell at her little brother to get out of her room.  While she probably shouldn't have been snooping, his reaction is pretty indicative of what a long-term relationship with the Beast would be like.

Prince Adam - 0

If the Beast fell into a raging depression over being a turned into a beast, we can't imagine what he'll do after turning back into the most disgusting Disney prince ever created.  We're just gonna say it, Prince Adam is F-O-U-L.   We don't know if it was just the early nineties Fabio thing or what, but the way Disney animated him is just too gross.  Seriously, the way his nostrils  flare when he turns around makes us want to vomit!    

P.S. It wouldn't have been that hard to make Prince Adam more appealing.  We've recreated him below and we think he looks much more dashing.  Belle would have been adorable with this guy!  Oh, he looks like Prince Eric with long, brown hair?  Our bad.  

Boxed Lunch: 8

Maybe we're just partial to brunettes, but we think Belle got some books in the looks department.  Yeah, buddy!  Even though this film takes place in France,  Belle has those all-American good looks that make every young girl wish she were her.  Can't you just imagine her in an American Eagle ad with skinny jeans, flats and a cute hoodie?  Totally cute!  Gaston even says she's "the most beautiful girl in town" and he confirms that fact with how hard he tries to get with her.  Long story short - Belle's a boxed lunch for sure.  

Bitch Factor: 7

We thought Belle wouldn't rate very high in this category because our initial impression of her was of a sweet, quiet girl.  BUT as we were watching, we noticed how much bitch potential she actually has.  She is really pretentious and we think she totally needs an attitude check.  She walks around the village thinking she's better than everyone else, reading her books and rolling her eyes at the hottest guy in town.  She didn't say "bonjour" once to any of the towns people and walked around ignoring everybody because they're too "provincial" for her. You know what? You end up with disgusting Prince Adam who suffers from manic-depressive rages.  So get over yourself, Belle.   


Kickass Factor: 5

So Belle is a pretty fierce gal.  Firstly, she saves her father by trading places with him under the pretense that she has to spend the rest of her life in a dank-ass castle with a big, hairy beast.  And while she sobs over it for a little bit she gets over it by dinner time.  Pretty badass if you ask us.  Then she has the balls to refuse the beast's polite offer of dinner and stands her ground even when he starts to lose his shit.  She's has no qualms about yelling back at him which is definitely impressive. Even so, we decided not to score her too high because while she holds her ground verbally, she doesn't have the physical strength to back up her attitude.  I mean when those wolves attacked her she would have been kibbles n' bits for sure if it hadn't been for the beast.  So in the end, she's snarky but definitely isn't a Mulan or Pocahontas.


True Loves First Kiss: 3

While Belle and Adam's kiss isn't quite the worst that we've seen, it's still pretty darn awful. 98% of the reason that we don't like it is because Prince Adam is so unbelievably googly.   Maybe it would be a sweet kiss otherwise, but we don't notice or care.  All of our attention is occupied by how terrible and unappealing he is to us.  Who wants to kiss a guy who was just a beast ten seconds ago?  I mean, when was the last time he even brushed his teeth?  Not to mention his chick lips, Bill Pullman chin and jungle man hair.  So not our type.  *shudders*


Villains: 7.5

If we were the village bimbos we would have been all over Gaston in a heartbeat.  Despite the fact that he's a pompous asshole, his narcissism is strangely appealing to us.  Even though he is unendingly vain and self-centered we can't help but feel like he would have been a strong and virile husband who would have protected his family through any means.  Or he would have frequented the pub and had a menage-a-trois with the blond triplets, but he still would have been fabulous looking!  Either way, too bad he turned out to be a total psycho.  He went downhill fast.  Literally.  He fell off cliff.


Animal Friends: Philippe - 4

We gave Philippe a four because he's sort of a fickle animal friend.  On one hand, he braved that icy water when Belle was trying to escape and he looks like a complete badass in this screenshot when they're rushing to save the beast.  But don't forget what a pussy he was when Maurice was trying to get to the fair!  Not only did complain about going down the "scary path" but he also totally peaced out on Maurice when the wolves attacked him!  Kind of bogus if you ask us.

Notable Mentions: Cogsworth & Lumiere 

Cogsworth and Lumiere are big favorites of ours.  Their competitive natures and back-and-forth bantering is hilarious and always gets a laugh out of us.  In particular we like their monologe during "Be Our Guest" and their pretty cute when they're walking down the hallway arm in arm gushing about the library.

Awful Appendages: 0

The insane asylum guy has some spindly looking fingers.  But nothing that makes us REALLY cringe.


Story: 8.5

Beauty and the Beast is obviously another classic tale that Disney has adapted well.  It's definitely one of our favorites and with good reason.  We love the characters and they have a solid development throughout the story.  We can relate to Belle which makes watching the movie even more enjoyable.  The right mix of humor and drama along with an unforgettable tale of magical romance make Beauty and the Beast a tale as old as time!

Songs/Music: 9

The music for Beauty and the Beast is yet another Alan Menken masterpiece.  His signature Broadway sound make each song fun to listen to and even more fun to sing along with.  Trust us, we know because we have Disney Sing-It on PS3.  That makes us professionals on the subject. Not to imply that we can sing or anything. At all. Regardless, the soundtrack to this movie is one of our favorites, no questions asked!

Animation/Cinematography: 8.25

Disney certainly captures the french countryside with their beautiful use of color and majestic backgrounds. The hilltop scene with Belle is particularly beautiful with the sun setting behind the mountains.  We also like the opening sequence with the castle in the forest.  Arguably the most notable scene in any Disney movie is the "Tale as Old as Time" dancing scene.  Back in 1991, the computer generated ballroom was a big deal.  The sweeping camera angles and the big chandelier were breakthroughs in computer animation at the time.  However, sometimes the character animation, Belle's specifically, looks a little hurried and unpolished.  In one scene, she'll look beautiful and in another her facial features are all off and the colors seems out sync with other scenes that she's in.


Casting/Voice Acting: 8

Even though there are no big celebrity names (other than Angela Lansbury maybe)  we scored voice acting high because each voice is so fitting for their character.  Robby Benson gives the right amount of gruff pouty-ness to the beast and Paige O'Hara nails Belle's curious but sweet demeanor.


Notable Scenes: 9

As we said before this is one of the most iconic scenes in Disney animation history.  The opening to this scene where Belle and the Beast are coming down the steps is one of our favorite parts of the movie.

Are You Afraid of the Dark: 1

There aren't really any intensely scary scenes in this movie. The creepiest element is the Tales from the Crypt asylum director but even that was stretching it for us.  Not much to see here, folks! 


Quotable Quotes: 9.5

We seriously quote this movie ALL the time.  Cogsworth is our favorite and is hilarious in his skeptical Debbie Downer way.  Our favorite quote from the movie is definitely when Cogsworth pops around the corner and says "goooood evening." It gets repeated at least once every day we're together.  There's also "No tea.  NO TEA."  "If it's not baroque, don't fix it."  "Glass of water, crust of bread..." "Flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep.." "No, not in the master chair!"  "Well, well... she's in the process of, er, circumstances being what they are... she's not coming." "Who said anything about an enchanted castle?"  Yeah.  Definitely our favorite.  


OVERALL DISNEY MAGIC: 9

Disney magic oozes from this film.  Everything about it, to us at least, is perfect.  The music, the scenery, the characters,the humor, and a unique story all come together to make one of Disney's most beloved animated features.  A 90's era best for sure.